Here’s the problem: I’m afraid that it’s time for the big sex talk. Statistically, it may be past time.
It's not that we've never covered the mechanics of sex and procreation. Those talks have been ongoing. But this is definitely different and scary. This isn't just the theoretical facts. Now there are feelings involved.
My sex professor friend, Dr. Debby Herbenick, sexual health educator at Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, suggested I take my daughter to a movie that features a sexual relationship, and use talking about the fictional story as a way to open the conversation.
A movie, of course! After all, we'd seen Juno together. (And I highly recommend this film about a smart teen who navigates her unexpected pregnancy.) But, when I checked the listings I found that late winter is the season of thrillers and super-hero movies.
Then, I found something better. Saturday I took my girl out to a matinee performance of The Vagina Monologues.
It has everything. In the interactive portion of the show, we named body parts until the word vagina is no longer embarrassing to say. We heard a story about a woman, so ashamed of her sexual desire and physical response, that she's spent a lifetime shut off from "down there." We celebrated pleasure with a comic rendition of orgasmic moans. We cried for rape victims. We laughed at a woman railing about the indignity of a cold speculum. My daughter and I shared every emotion, along with a loving community of women and men.And afterward, when I thought the time was ripe for our big talk, I simply told her if she was ever scared or confused or hurt that she could talk to me. (Note to self: Do NOT freak out, when and if she tells me something uncomfortable.)
Really? That's it? The Big Sex Talk? It turns out, there really wasn't much else to say. It turns out, the biggest part of my Big Sex Talk was how much I needed to lower my fear and open my heart.
I realized my daughter already understands everything I could tell her now. We've been having the conversation for years. Every time we've seen a television program, a movie, or a play together. Every book we've read and discussed. Every side comment and giggle. Every roll of the eye. Sex for procreation and sex for pleasure have always been part of the discourse between us. How could it not be?
And I also realize that I trust my daughter to know when she's ready to "cash in her V-card." Of course I don't want her to grow up too fast. There will always be a part of me that remembers when she was born. She's my baby girl. But she's also growing into a gorgeous young woman. And her sexual life is her own. The most important thing, the big thing I want her know is that I trust her to make her own choices.
For more information and resources, see my longer article about having the Big Sex Talk at GeekMom.com.
