Dear, Lucky Agent

Today I'm entering a contest run by Chuck Sambuchino, the editor of Guide to Literary Agents Editor's Blog.

"Dear, Lucky Agent" is a recurring contest. So, even though I'm submitting the first page of my kids' novel, next month Chuck will shift to another genre. So, if you're writing any kind of material--fiction, non-fiction, YA romance or adult mystery--bookmark his blog, or subscribe to the feed like I do.

Here's what I'm sending:

Entry:
Green Tara, a 42,000 word middle-grade novel

Author:
Kalynn Huffman Brower (That's me, the storygoddess.)

Logline:
Should Virginia Maderas, teen of the 24th century, jump ship in her red-hot space coupe in hopes of finding the legendary planet, Green Tara? Is a blue star hot?*

page 1:
I never thought I’d get caught.

I made it out and back and even managed to park on K-deck without attracting attention. To remain inconspicuous, I popped open the back hatch of my Galaxy Blast and slipped out. Then things went pathological. Something about my landing protocol must have set off an alert, because two sentries met me on the ramp.

I whispered to Dot, who was wrapped around my arm in our normal travel mode, “Why didn’t you warn me?”

She just gave me that I-told-you-so look, and her screen went blank.

Great. Nothing like being abandoned and left in the custody of a couple of hyper-vigilant sentries who, as it turned out, were there to escort me to lock-down. Me! I never, ever expected to be taken there. Lockdown is the place they put frightening, high-security-risk rebels. Not a teenage girl.

Now I was going to have to explain to my dad how I’d gotten off the ship without a license.
. . .
* Yes, a blue star is hot. It's the hottest kind. But you already know that astronomical fact.

More on rewriting

Last week I faced the stark truth of just how much rewriting is in my future.  A couple of early readers of my Young Adult novel Green Tara have sent me praise--always welcome--but one pointed out a lack of clarity in the story world. Alas, I see now that the story's set-up needs attention.

 

I've written a new opening sequence that dramatizes the overarching problem of the futuristic world: the laws are oppressive and the people defacto slaves of the corporation.  Specifically, I've put the main character in a physical position to witness how a small group of people are "volunteered" to go on a suicidal exploration mission. I reread the sequence yesterday, and though the language is clunky and needs a polish, the images and basic arc of the story are great. But--

Darn, there's always a "but." On reflection I've got two of them.

How do I maintain the light, humorous tone when the consequences are so dire? And the other biggie--it's now clear that I've neglected the all-important establishment of theme.  If there's one rule that's inviolable, it's that theme belongs at the top. Lo, the entire story is most satisfying if it's marinated in theme. So, how do I invest both these essential ingredients into this new opening sequence?

The theme revolves around betrayal and loyalty. And though my young heroine might be disturbed by the cruelty of the laws, the sight of  people she doesn't really know getting the short end of the stick won't feel personal enough to call up the emotion of betrayal. Back to the question of tone, if she sees the cruelty but doesn't protest at least in private, will she be seen as heartless? That's not generally a good quality for a main character.

These are the questions I'm asking myself.

They say . . .

They--meaning practicing writers--say, "Writing is rewriting." And that's where I'm at today. If I didn't know others have gone this way countless times ahead of me, I'd be lost.

What's the process? 

• Identify places where there's lack of clarity or lack of engagement.  Check. Weakness is most pronounced in the set-up of the story world.
  
• Sketch a plan for a new opening sequence that more clearly establishes the problem at the global/story world level. Check. 
  
• Revisit to make sure the scenes are a satisfying dramatic hook and not just expository, situational scenarios. Next to do in my process today.
  
• Flesh out the descriptions. Note to self: In my futuristic setting I can't always rely on the less is more strategy. Here's a case where clarity trumps, so over-describe, then edit for a cleaner, leaner read.
  
• Crisp up the dialog. Note to self: Maintain the snappy personalities and beware the trap of explaining the situation via "natural" conversation, which won't sound natural at all if it explains everything. 
  
• Come back to the sequence tomorrow, edit and continue with a revision of the old opening scene so the two sequences flow.
  

Good thing I love the process.